Non guitar joke thread - no banjo content either!

[Terry]

Just got off the phone with an old friend now living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said since early this morning the snow has gotten nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 7 degrees and dropping with the north wind increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

[cjd-player]

Porch Jokes:

A couple were sitting on the porch drinking wine.
"I love you" said the wife.
"Is that the wine talking or you?" the man asked.
"It's me, I'm talking to the wine" the wife replied.



Cletus and Joe Bill, two good ol' boys, were on the front porch drinking beer when a truck with several large rolls of sod passed by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery" Cletus said.
"Do what when you win the lottery?" Joe Bill asked.
"Send my grass out to be mowed" answered Cletus

[Cindy]

I heard this on the radio several years ago...hope it's not too offensive.

What is the difference between Snowmen and Snow Women?
-
-
-
-
-
-
Snowballs

 

[Cindy]

This is actually a true story…

My brother was a single parent raising two boys—the older @15 years old and the younger @11. They had entertained some family and friends in the days leading up to Christmas, but on that Christmas morning, it was just the three of them doling out and opening their presents. One-by-one the gifts were opened until there was just one unopened present remaining.

There was no tag identifying who it was to or who it was from. My brother asked his sons if they knew anything about it. With solemn faces and eyes the size of saucers they both replied Noooo while shaking their heads. He wondered which one of their guests had left the present. Being perplexed, he once again questioned his sons. He asked if they saw anyone leave it under the tree. Again he received the same wide-eyed look with No as the response.

Very carefully he unwrapped the gift and opened the box. Inside were several hand-made vouchers to be redeemed for free jobs/chores which most adults don’t enjoy doing. He read off each voucher one at a time some of which included:

--one free car wash
--mow the yard
--wash & dry the dishes
--do the laundry
--vacuum
--clean the house

My brother was quite surprised, and pleased, with very generous gift. Being a single parent, he didn’t have much time for himself so he was quite grateful. Then he read off the name of who it was from: the oldest son. As soon as he said this, the oldest son snapped to attention stammering, Wha-? But…but…but….It’s not from MEEEE while looking completely shocked and bewildered. My brother looked at his youngest son who tried to look as innocent as possible but...


Merry Christmas

[cotten]

Just read that, Cindy. Priceless! 

cotten

[M19]

Good ones, folks. Here's a dumb blonde joke:

Two blondes talking.

First blonde asks "Which is farther away, the Moon or Miami?"

Second blonde replies "Well duh! You can SEE the Moon!"

[dcarey]

Around the turn of the last century, when incandescent lights were a novelty,
my great uncle, who was an electrician, ran service into an outhouse on
Cherokee Indian lands.
 
He was recognized as the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

[Iplay2]

This is actually a true story…

My brother was a single parent raising two boys—the older @15 years old and the younger @11. They had entertained some family and friends in the days leading up to Christmas, but on that Christmas morning, it was just the three of them doling out and opening their presents. One-by-one the gifts were opened until there was just one unopened present remaining.

There was no tag identifying who it was to or who it was from. My brother asked his sons if they knew anything about it. With solemn faces and eyes the size of saucers they both replied Noooo while shaking their heads. He wondered which one of their guests had left the present. Being perplexed, he once again questioned his sons. He asked if they saw anyone leave it under the tree. Again he received the same wide-eyed look with No as the response.

Very carefully he unwrapped the gift and opened the box. Inside were several hand-made vouchers to be redeemed for free jobs/chores which most adults don’t enjoy doing. He read off each voucher one at a time some of which included:

--one free car wash
--mow the yard
--wash & dry the dishes
--do the laundry
--vacuum
--clean the house

My brother was quite surprised, and pleased, with very generous gift. Being a single parent, he didn’t have much time for himself so he was quite grateful. Then he read off the name of who it was from: the oldest son. As soon as he said this, the oldest son snapped to attention stammering, Wha-? But…but…but….It’s not from MEEEE while looking completely shocked and bewildered. My brother switched his gaze to the youngest son who tried to look as innocent as possible but...


Merry Christmas

THAT...IS...AWESOME!! 

[Bong Twang Ping]

A husband and wife are shopping at the local supermarket, the husband sees a 24 pack of beer on offer for only $10 so he pick one up and puts it in the cart. His wife narrows her eyes and gives him a sideways glance, so he puts it back without another word. A few minutes later they are strolling down the cosmetics isle and the wife casually picks up a $20 jar of moisturizer... the husband raises his eyebrows and stares in astonishment. The wife says "What? it makes me look more beautiful you know" the husband responds "So does a case of beer and it's half the price!" ... he never new what hit him.

Bong

[John429]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Do you smell carrots?

[dcarey]

"The Nooner"

A young Minnesota farm couple, Ole and Lena, got married and
just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Ole left
the house for the fields, they made love. When Ole came back from the
fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their "nooner"; it took Ole a half hour to travel home
and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting
enough work done. Finally Ole asked the town doctor what to do.

"Ole," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you
and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be
Lena's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Ole came back to

the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Ole. "Whenever I was in the mood, I
fired off a shot like you said and Lena'd come runnin'. We'd find a
secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Ole. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

[Cindy]

This is floating around Facebook.

[jjracer]

Husband and wife are out shopping.  Wife turns and her Husband is no where to be found.  She calls his cell..... He answers......   Where are you? she says,   Husband responds,  Do you remember where that Jewelry store is in the mall?  Excitedly she says  Yes!,   He says.....
Well........ I am in the bar next door.

[Iplay2]

"The Nooner"

A young Minnesota farm couple, Ole and Lena, got married and
just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Ole left
the house for the fields, they made love. When Ole came back from the
fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their "nooner"; it took Ole a half hour to travel home
and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting
enough work done. Finally Ole asked the town doctor what to do.

"Ole," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you
and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be
Lena's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Ole came back to

the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Ole. "Whenever I was in the mood, I
fired off a shot like you said and Lena'd come runnin'. We'd find a
secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Ole. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

Where are you from?  My grandfather is from Norway, and he always told Ole and Lena jokes.  That is the only place I have heard them before.

[BigSkyTaylorPlayer]

2 hunters are out in the woods, when one of them collapses...he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over.

The other guy quickly pulls out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I Do??"

The operator says: Sir, calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence...white noise... moments later, a gunshot is heard...

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK...Now What???"