Unofficial Taylor Guitar Forum - UTGF
The Lounge => The Lounge => Topic started by: markallen on December 13, 2011, 09:48:09 AM
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What a great way to kick off our new "lounge" sub forum. Lets hear your favorite guitar jokes. My personal favorite:
A man walks into a store along the wharfs of San Francisco and sees a small statue of a golden rat, thinks it's cool. The tag says $12. "Is this really $12?" he asks the owner.
"Yes, $12 for the statue, but $1000 for the story."
The man sees the sales ploy, ignores it, and says "No story, I just want the statue." So he buys it and leaves the store.
Soon, he hears noises behind him, and he turns around to see a rat following him. Soon, more rats begin following him. He speeds up, so do the rats. More rats come out of the drains, the sewers, the alleys, and out from everywhere.
The man freaks out and starts to run. Every rat in the city is behind him. He runs as fast as he can until he reaches the end of the wharf and hurls the Golden Rat as far out into sea as he can. Every rat in town follows the statue off the pier and drowns.
Once calmed down, he goes back to the store. The owner smiles at him and nods knowingly. "Ah, now you came back for the story, didn't you?"
"No," the man replies. "I want know if you have a golden banjo player."
Cheers,
Mark
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Once calmed down, he goes back to the store. The owner smiles at him and nods knowingly. "Ah, now you came back for the story, didn't you?"
"No," the man replies. "I want know if you have a golden banjo player."
Cheers,
Mark
I almost spit coffee on my keyboard.... ;D
How many Bluegrass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None! They won't touch anything electric
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As a banjo player (read: joke victim), I am going to have to push back:
What do you call a room full of guitarists? Prison.... ;D ;D ;D
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As a banjo player (read: joke victim), I am going to have to push back:
Jim, I'm here to back you up ... as a former festival-playing Bluegrass musician (in a previous life), and a former banjo owner (average player; sold to fund my 414ce Ltd purchase; how's that for the Taylor tie-in?), I can laugh along with you guys but still hold great respect for the genre and a number of amazing banjo pickers past and present ... 8)
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Before an all out guitar v banjo war starts :)
an off topic ditty; my son came home from school today , "Daddy Daddy" he shouted "I've got a part in the annual school play, I'm going to play the husband!" "Never mind son", I said, "You might get a speaking part next year."
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Uh, oh ... I think we just violated the forum rules ... isn't Bluegrass a religion? :) ;) :D ;D :o
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Uh, oh ... I think we just violated the forum rules ... isn't Bluegrass a religion? :) ;) :D ;D :o
Not sure, but I've always been told it's a very fine line between "religion" and "cult" ;)
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Scriptor,
Brother. My Brother. It is so nice to find another person who admits to playing the old five.... Yes, the amount of distance traveled on that instrument in the past 40 years is astounding. When I started, there was Scruggs, Kieth, and Reno styles. Listen to Noam Pikelny. Un-be-freaking-lievable. The latest generation of players has brought the 5-string to the level of fully articulated jazz instrument on which anything, ANYTHING, can be played. Bela got there first, but Noam is the master now. I can pick pretty well, maybe good enough to carry Noam's banjo in from the car to back stage (if the regular roadie couldn't).
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Scriptor,
Brother. My Brother. It is so nice to find another person who admits to playing the old five.... Yes, the amount of distance traveled on that instrument in the past 40 years is astounding. When I started, there was Scruggs, Kieth, and Reno styles. Listen to Noam Pikelny. Un-be-freaking-lievable. The latest generation of players has brought the 5-string to the level of fully articulated jazz instrument on which anything, ANYTHING, can be played. Bela got there first, but Noam is the master now. I can pick pretty well, maybe good enough to carry Noam's banjo in from the car to back stage (if the regular roadie couldn't).
So I gotta ask...how do you two feel about 6 string banjos?
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What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo ;D
Heard that one from Doyle Dykes
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Okay, that's it....
How long does it take to tune a banjo? No one knows......
How do you get the banjo player off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza...
What do you call a banjo player with no girlfriend? Homeless...
I have more banjo jokes and am not afraid to use them! You can be the life of the party and use all of these jokes-simply insert "guitar" for "banjo" if you want to get bigger laughs...
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I love it! Now got I ammo for all the old BG dudes that loiter at the shop!
Thursday can't come soon enough. I'm prolly gonna get thrashed by a group of seniors but it's so worth it.
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/tjmangum/Banjohell.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/tjmangum/farside.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v471/tjmangum/Crafterbanjofront.jpg)
Two of my favorite Far Sides and my Crafters of TN Maple Classic
Keep 'em coming!
Terry
PS Usually these pictures show up about half the size they are showing here. I'm using Photobucket.
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I remember hearing in college..
"How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.."
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I remember hearing in college..
"How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.."
Hey, I resemble that remark!
OK
A guy picks up a guitar at a fingerstyle convention and starts to play a song. By then end of his song a huge crowd of fingerstyle players had surrounded him with awed looks on their faces. One of them finally broke the silence and asked:
“What is that strange tuning you were using?”
The man smiled and replied, “EADGBE”
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I went to Guitar Center last weekend to pick up some strings and stupidly left my banjo in the back seat of my unlocked car.
When I came out, there were four more banjos in the back seat ::)
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What should you do if you run over a banjo?
Back up…
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Student: Teacher, teacher, I'm having troubles with open tunings, I'm so upset, whatever shall I do?
Teacher: There, there, don't fret.
:P
-K
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How can you tell if the stage is level? If the guitar player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Why do some people take an instant aversion to guitar players? It saves time in the long run.
How can you tell if there's a guitar player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.
Yes, these are actually modified banjo jokes, but see how easily they convert?
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Neither a guitar or banjo joke but I heard this one at an Irish Christmas Concert this past weekend ... lots of acoustic instruments on the stage and a great evening ...
The guitar player was referring to one of the other musicians in good fun and said:
"He spends half his time tuning and the other half playing out of tune" ...
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Yes, these are actually modified banjo jokes, but see how easily they convert?
I sense hostilities from somewhere in Minnesota..... lol
Just kidding. This video sums up everything you need to know about Jim and Guitar Rodeo. His crazy banjo love is explained well at 1:50 in the video.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/6908583/guitar-rodeo-advertisement (http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/6908583/guitar-rodeo-advertisement)
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What's the difference between a banjo and a ukelele?
Takes twice as long to burn a banjo...!
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A banjo player wanted to join a local civic orchestra. Of course, there's no banjo part in most symphonic music, but they did need a percussionist. So they took away his banjo and gave him a couple of sticks and various things to hit. It didn't go well. Oh, he could keep time just fine, it's just that he was accustomed to being ten times louder than any other instrument, even all the others combined.
Plus, despite his down home, folksy way of talking, it was clear to everyone that he felt his knowledge of how the music (most of which he'd never even heard) was vastly superior to everyone else in the group. To him, everything they played was either too fast or too slow, too bass heavy or too dependent on the violins. Nothing suited him, and he was quick to let everyone know, in no uncertain terms.
It got so bad that the conductor quit, and everyone else was about to, when a 76-yr. old former professional trombonist came up with a suggestion they could all live with. They gave the banjo player back one of his sticks and made him the Conductor.
cotten
(Hey, you didn't expect my best stuff for FREE, did ya?!) :P
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Here's a bad joke that isn't about guitars. I hope I don't get censored. I heard it from my boss at our Christmas party and thought it was a bit clever so thought I share.
A man, who loved guitars too much (not in original joke - improv), forgot to get his wife something for their 25th wedding anniversary. The man finally realized what he had done and went to his wife begging for her forgiveness. The wife replied, "I WANT YOU TO GET ME SOMETHING THAT WILL GO FROM 0 TO 200 IN FIVE SECONDS OR LESS AND HAVE IT FOR ME INFRONT OF THE GARAGE BY TOMORROW MORNING!!!!" The wife wakes up the next morning and in front of the garage there it was! A scale.
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Okay, its about time the fiddlers got some too...
How can you tell the difference between all the fiddle tunes?
They each have a different name.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a Harley Davidson Motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
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Okay, its about time the fiddlers got some too...
How can you tell the difference between all the fiddle tunes?
They each have a different name.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a Harley Davidson Motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
not really a joke (perhaps unintentional), but i was just wondering what is the difference between a violin & a fiddle -
i believe that the bridges are slightly different in appearance, but is it the way/style in which it is played,
or the type of music that's played on either (violin music or fiddle tunes) ... any, all, none or other ???
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not really a joke (perhaps unintentional), but i was just wondering what is the difference between a violin & a fiddle -
i believe that the bridges are slightly different in appearance, but is it the way/style in which it is played,
or the type of music that's played on either (violin music or fiddle tunes) ... any, all, none or other ???
A fiddle and a violin are the same physical instrument ... it's about approach and not about the instrument itself (although some fiddlers do modify the bridge in order to more easily play double-stops (two strings at a time))
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At a convention for acoustic guitar players, everyone is sitting around looking at each other's fancy custom built high end guitars, when suddenly a guy walks in with a banjo case. He strolls inside the group, opens the banjo case and pulls out a machine gun, and loudly proclaims: "all right, hand over all these high-end guitars, this is a hold-up!!!"
One of the players hands over his one-of-a-kind $23K Linda Manzer acoustic, and whispers softly to his neighbor: "Phew, for a minute there, I thought he was going to play that banjo!"
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Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
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This reminds me of a Mark Twain Quote:
" A gentleman is a man that can play the banjo, but doesn't "
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Brutal.
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Best pick-up to put on a banjo? ...
a Ford F-150. ;)
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(http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w50/cjd-player/BanjoMute.jpg)
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Now that's funny! ;D
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What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you toss an accordion into a dumpster, and it lands on a banjo. ;) ::) ;D
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How do you get the lead player to turn down?
Put a lead sheet in front of him.
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Guitar joke thread, huh?
I thought for sure it as going to be a list of names, starting with mine...
cotten
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oh boy...
How do you get two fiddle players to play unison?
...shoot one...
What's the difference between a singer/songwriter and a large pizza?
... a large pizza can actually FEED a family of four...
Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his car?
...it took him 4 hours to get the banjo player and his wife out of the car...
How many recording session guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
...10 - one to change the bulb and 9 to say "I could do that..."
How many Grateful Dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
...only one, but it takes 9,999 to follow the burned-out bulb around the country!
(I met a soundman who told this joke to Jerry Garcia... he said that Garcia almost pee'd his pants laughing!)
play on.................................................>
John
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...How many Grateful Dead-heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
...only one, but it takes 9,999 to follow the burned-out bulb around the country...
I'm stealing this one! I mean, "borrowing." I'll return it when I'm done, honest! ;D
cotten
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I think we should start a "Banjo Joke Thread" so we can tell guitar jokes....