Unofficial Taylor Guitar Forum - UTGF
The Lounge => The Lounge => Topic started by: NavyChap on October 05, 2016, 10:47:08 PM
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Recently at a wedding reception the Best Man made his toast to the bride and groom, and then asked "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
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The Octogenarian Mel Brooks wareplied.recently if he wore boxers or briefs.
"Depends", he replied.
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Have you heard of the new diet for guitar players? It's called the Chet Atkins Diet. All you do is pick at you food.
Did you hear Willie Nelson got hit by a car? He was playing on the road again.
A bunch of bass players walk into a bar. The orchestra is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to go out and have a fews beers. They tie a string to the conductor's score, so that when he turns the page, it will tug on the string, and the bass players will know to come back for the end of the symphony.
So the performance goes on, and eventually, the conductor looks up and realizes he's in big trouble: It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!
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A bunch of bass players walk into a bar. The orchestra is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to go out and have a fews beers. They tie a string to the conductor's score, so that when he turns the page, it will tug on the string, and the bass players will know to come back for the end of the symphony.
So the performance goes on, and eventually, the conductor looks up and realizes he's in big trouble: It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!
LOVE that!
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What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
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What's a paradigm? Twenty cents.
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Geez! This thread needs a rim shot every time you click on it...! ;)
Does that count as a joke...? ::)
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Two wise hunters came to a fork in the road. A sign read "Bear Left" so they went home.
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Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
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How do you know when the drum riser is level?
He drools from both sides of his mouth at the same time!
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St. Peter was checking IDs. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says " I was a doctor."
St. Peter Says "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on earth?"
" I was a musician"
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
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I think it's okay to tell this joke since I'm Italian:
Three men were on a construction job in NYC. They sat down for lunch around a manhole. The German opens his lunch box and exclaims,"Bratwurst - every day it's the same thing. If I get Bratwurst tomorrow I'll throw it down this manhole."
The Irishman opens his lunchbox and whines, "Corned beef - every day it's the same thing. If I get Corned beef tomorrow I'll throw it down this manhole."
The Italian opens his lunchbox and says "Eggplant parmesan- every day it's the same thing. If I get Eggplant parmesan tomorrow I'm gonna throw it down this manhole."
The next day at lunch time, the German discovers Bratwurst in his lunchbox and throws it down the manhole. The Irishman discovers Corned beef in his lunchbox and does the same. The Italian simply throws his lunchbox down the manhole. The other two gents exclaim, "Hey you didn't even look to see what you got."
The Italian replied, "That's okay- I make my own lunch every day."
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An old pastor was going through a closet that he and his wife shared in their bedroom when he made an unusual discovery- an old shoebox that contained three eggs and a huge stack of one dollar bills. He asked his wife to explain, and after some hesitation she said, "Well every time you preached a lousy sermon over the years, I put an egg in the shoebox." He thought to himself, "Hey, that's not too bad, three bad sermons in all those years!"
He then said, "Well, what's with all those one dollar bills?" She said, "Uh well, every time I collected a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar!"
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7 year old asks Dad: Do Trees poop?
Dad: Of course they do.
7 year old: Really?
Dad: Why do you think they call them "Number 2" pencils?
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Do you know why people like refried beans? Because it gives them their second wind.
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Whats the difference between a fourteen inch pizza and a musician:
The pizza can feed a family of four.
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Do you know why goblins can't have children?
Because they have "holloweenies".
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Q: How are duct tape and the Force alike?
A: They both have a light and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.
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Q: Where does Trump hide his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.
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Two beautiful women are walking along a creek when they hear a voice call out "Hey Girls"! They look around and don't see any one & hear the voice again. "Hey I'm here in the creek on this rock". There, sitting on a rock is a frog & he is TALKING!
The Frog explains to the girls that he is not really a Frog but that he is really a handsome man and the worlds greatest Flat Pick Guitar Player! But an evil Witch has put a curse on him & turned him into an ugly frog.
BUT - he says, If only a pretty girl would kiss me the curse will end & I will go back to being the Handsome Flat Pick Guitar Player I really am!
One of the girls wades out into the creek picks up the Frog holds him near her lips for a second then quickly puts him in her purse and zips it up tight!
Her friend asks why don't you kiss him??? She reply's...
ARE YOU KIDDING - He's worth WAY more as a talking Frog than he will ever be as a Guitar Player!!!
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What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coffin?"
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My Friend was trying to write a drinking song, but he could not get past the first few bars.
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Jupiter is circled by asteroids. Uranus is circled by hemorrhoids.
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Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...... Hey, it could happen!
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything "
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A string slithers into a bar. The bartender says,"Sorry- we don't serve strings here - you'll have to leave. " The string leaves the bar and slithers into a tailor shop. The string asks the girl behind the counter, " Would you please tie me into a nice bow?". The girl obliges, and the string says, "Thank you - now would you take your scissors and fray my ends?" The girl does what she's asked. The string thanks her, leaves the shop and rolls back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey - aren't you the string I threw out of here earlier?"
The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"
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Man:"Doc I can't stop singing What's New Pussycat".
Doctor:"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome ".
Man: Is it common?"
Doc: It's not unusual"
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I recommend you don't buy a Stradivarius.
He stopped making parts for them.
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Mathatma Ghandi walked around barefooted. This gave him an impressive aet of callouses on his feet.
He also ate very little which made him frail and his strange diet gave him bad breath.
I guess you could call him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Madam Thant, wife of 1960's UN Secretary-General U Thant, was particularly fond of the folk-rock group the Seekers. She expecially favored their hit, "I'll Never Find Another U".
Sorry, Dan Ingram.
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What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"The Defendant"
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Maestro's Hell.
(http://i1232.photobucket.com/albums/ff366/mgap1/farside_banjo2_zps74d9ac90.jpg)
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A little boy was born without a body. He wished for a torso and his wish was granted. He then wished for arms so he could feed himself, and his wish was granted. He then wished for legs so he could go outside to run and play with friends, and his wish was granted. He then ran outside into the street and was hit by a car.
The motto of this story is.......
quit while you're a head!
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Why does a violinist have a handkercheif under his chin when he plays:
Because there's no spit valve.
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Ole and Lena had a new baby and invited Sven and Tina to dinner to meet the new member of their family. Before they rang the doorbell, Tina said to Sven, "Now don't you say nuttin' about the baby not having any ears." Sven said, "don't worry I won't." After dinner Lena suggested that Ole take Sven to the nursery to see the baby. So they went to see the baby and Sven asks, "So Ole, dat baby got good eyes?" Ole says, "Ya sure, dat baby's got great eyes." Sven replies, "That's good, 'cause he sure ain't gonna wear glasses."
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Recent studies have shown that women with a few extra pounds, live longer then the men who mention it.....
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Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a small glass of water.....
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Didn't read through to see if this had already been shared so please forgive if it has?
Q: What's a worship guitarists favorite chord?
A: Gsus ( pronounced "Je-sus")
;)
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I coined a new word today: plagiarism.
cotten
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I knew a Baptist lady who was thinking of auditioning for a support role in The Sound of Music. She tried on a nun's costume, promising she wouldn't make a habit of it.
She got the part, but the costume wasn't the right size. Knowing that I would be going by a costume shop, she asked if I would stop by to see if they had what she needed. I did, but they didn't have nun.
cotten
Just noticed the title of this thread. Sorry!
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Guy post
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Budding amateur guitarist decides to try his hand at performing, and offers to do a gig at the local convalescent home. After a short performance he was wrapping up and spoke to a person in a chair on the front. "I hope you get better soon" said the guitarist with a smile. "I hope you get better soon aswell " said the patient.
A guitarist wins the lottery. A friend asks what he's going to do with his winnings. He replied " I'm gonna keep gigging until the money runs out."
Young Johnny decides he wants to learn bass, and after some pleading talks his mom into it. So they go to the local music store to buy him a bass rig and sign him up for bass lessons with Bob the bass teacher. First lesson: Bob, "Johnny, you see that thickest string on the top? That's the E string. Hit it! .....Good. Now go home and practice that and I'll see you next week." One week later... second lesson: Bob, "Hi Johnny, how did your practice go?" Johnny, "Fine." Bob, "Great! Now you see that second biggest string right below the E string? That's the A string. Hit it! ... Good. Now go home and practice that and I'll see you next week." Next week Bob waits for Johnny, and he doesn't show. Finally he calls and Johnny's mom answers, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I should have called you. Johnny joined a band and is out on tour."
A guitarist, a bass player, and a drummer are all riding in a car together. Who is the driver? The cop.
The guy in the next apartment came banging on my door at 2:30 in the morning. 2:30!! Lucky for him I was still up, practicing my bagpipes.
A doctor, lawyer and musician die in a car crash and find themselves outside the pearly gates before St. Peter.
St. Pete to the doctor: "Why should I let you into heaven?"
Doctor: "I devoted my life to curing the ill, healing the wounded and improving the quality life of all those that sought my services."
St. Pete: "Welcome to heaven" and the pearly gates open with angels lining the golden road playing trumpets to welcome the newcomer in joyous celebration.
St. Pete to the lawyer: "Why should I let you into heaven?"
Lawyer: "I devoted my life to justice for all, defending the rights of individuals, and improving the quality of life for all those that sought my services."
St. Pete: "Welcome to heaven" and the pearly gates open with angels lining the golden road playing trumpets to welcome the newcomer in joyous celebration.
St. Pete to the musician: "Why should I let you into heaven?"
Musician: "I devoted my live to the celebration of life itself through the magic of song and dance and improved the quality of life for all those that sought my services."
St. Pete: "Welcome to heaven. To enter please use the loading dock in back, go through the kitchen and take the freight elevator to the third floor........"
Why are violins bigger than violas?
They're actually the same size. It's just that violinist's heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? Vibrato.
Why is it that sound guys, when performing mic checks, can count no higher than three? This is not a joke, I really want to know!
Did you hear about the guitarist who lost his livelihood in a car accident? It was a Fender bender.
What's the difference between a country music guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A country music guitarist plays 4 chords for 40,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 40,000 chords for 4 people!
(http://www.jazz.keller.com/pix/JonAppleton/musician-joke.jpg)
cotten
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b5/e6/0b/b5e60bc755e212d7d3a5b0dbeaf61fef.jpg)
(http://portermason.com/bassistwanted/files/2009/02/Execs_SelfPublished-960x301.png)
cotten
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How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A Brazilian!
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b7/45/4d/b7454d6461f5a9ff9f24870126725d4a.jpg)
(http://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e35/13696707_1566935826949600_1204363510_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTMwNzUwNjQ5NjMyNTc1MDc2Mw%3D%3D.2)
(http://mypaisleyworld.blogspot.com/2013/09/gotta-laugh-piano-lessons.html)
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/84/78/b2/8478b26d03172a7a7447dde3298122f8.jpg)
cotten
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Where do Egyptians go when they encounter back pain?
Ready?
A CAIRO-practor
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Not at joke, per se, but funny nonetheless. Art of the Soundcheck: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTtswoWkGQU
cotten
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What's the difference between a dead squirrel and a dead trombone player lying in the road?
The squirrel was on his way to a gig.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1... 4... 1... 4... 1... 4...
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Does anybody here know how to make a bandstand?
Sure! Take away their chairs.
A friend told me he went to a concert the other day. The tickets were just forty-five cents! I asked him who performed. It was 50 cent, featuring Nickelback.
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You are on a roll, Cotten. Keep them coming!
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WRONG DATE—I have a friend who paid $4,800 each for a pair of tickets to the Super Bowl. That was before he realized that it was the same day as his wedding, so now he can’t go. If you are interested and would like to take his place, call 555-123-4567. It starts at 4:00, and the address is 8910 Church Street. Her name is Tiffany. She’ll be the one in white.
LIFE’S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS -
I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out…
Where's the beef…
How to get to Sesame Street...
Why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps…
Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop… Why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton...
Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...
I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's, or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator...
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons...
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections...
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going (This one’s easy: tax!)...
Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...
Why did you just try to sing those two songs to check...
Just what is Victoria's secret?...
Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways, but heaven help you if you try to drive on a Driving Range!...
I know how they make lemon oil and olive oil, but the very thought of baby oil gives me the willies!...
Why is there an ‘o’ in the word "people?"...
Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?...
Is my friend right to be afraid to go see her shrink because the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?...
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?...
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?...
Do pigs ever pull their ham strings?...
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?…
Why do people say heads up when what they mean is for you to duck?...
Or are they just being mean?...
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?...
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a time clock? Aren't ALL clocks "time" clocks?...
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?...
If you have x-ray vision, and see through anything, wouldn't you bump into everything?...
How can a house burn up and down at the same time, any why does ‘slow up’ and ‘slow down’ mean the same thing?...
Are all ex-cowboys deranged?...
Do ex-drycleaners become depressed?...
How in the world do you throw away a garbage can?...
Why are things typed up but written down?...
What color does a Smurf feel when they are down?...
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?...
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?...
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?...
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?...
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?...
Do mathematicians have to quit when they become dysfunctional?...
When you become an ex-punsters are you simply expunged?
Hey, you asked for it!!
cotten
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Cotten, you keep this up and you'll have to change your name to "Shecky". I always thought that was a great name for a comedian. (I know of Shecky Greene)
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(https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/music-irish-irish_dance-irish_dancer-jig-line_dance-emc0036_low.jpg)
"The Book of Irish Dancing, Vol. 2: How to Incorporate the Arms"
cotten
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(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1032783/images/o-DOGFITSINGUITARCASE-facebook.jpg)
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Never seen a guitar like that one "woodnut;" do you call it a "Dognought...?" ;)
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Never seen a guitar like that one "woodnut;" do you call it a "Dognought...?" ;)
Yeah, and I bet that Dognought can really bark!
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(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1032783/images/o-DOGFITSINGUITARCASE-facebook.jpg)
Great if your preferences run toward soft, mellow tones. Perhaps not the best choice for percussive playing.
cotten
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No jokes
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Last night I had a dream I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted. :D
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Last night I had so much gas after dinner that I went to sleep and dreamed I was a tug boat captain.
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
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Which instrument is difficult to do things with?
A piano, the're high strung.
ba dump shshs 8)
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Bassman
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Bassman
Ha, here it is with out the graphics.
A bunch of bass players walk into a bar. The orchestra is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to go out and have a few beers. They tie a string to the conductor's score, so that when he turns the page, it will tug on the string, and the bass players will know to come back for the end of the symphony.
So the performance goes on, and eventually, the conductor looks up and realizes he's in big trouble: It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!
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SBF Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I’m a young, svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods; riding in your pickup truck; hunting, camping, fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx, ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight-week old black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.)
cotten
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A new teacher started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Not everyone knows how IHOP got its name. Some people seem to think it stands for International House of Pancakes. I have it on good authority that it actually comes from the early game of golf. The first clubs, see, were too short by today's standards. A Chinese chef was talked into trying the game. He was doing great until he accidently swatted his left foot, smashing his big toe. Somebody asked how he was going to cook. The rest is history. (Feel free to believe any part of this you like! And to ignore any part you don't.)
cotten
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When ET was accidentally left behind on earth, at first he wasn't sure how to signal his parents to come back and get him. But when he saw Elliot's baby tuba in the closet, he remembered: euphonium!
cotten
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Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
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How do you define optimist?
A guitar player with a mortgage
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How 'bout some jokes that are low blows?
What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His Amp.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
Tattoo.
What do a bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
How many blues bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they're too poor to afford the replacement. (Either that or 1 - 5, 1 - 5, 1- 5...)
The worlds greatest Jazz bassist and the worlds greatest Blues bassist meet for lunch. Who pays the tab ?
Neither, they don't charge at the soup kitchen.
A boy came home from his first bass lesson. His guitarist dad asked him how it went. "Great, today we learned the open E string." The next week the boy came home from his second lesson and dad asked him how it went. "Loved it! Today we learned the open A string." A week later, the boy came home from his third lesson. Dad asked, "So did you learn the open D string today?" "Nope, didn't go. Had a gig."
The guitarist hears screaming and yelling, runs into the rehearsal room and finds the bass player and the drummer fighting. He calms them down enough to find out what's going on and the bass player says "He turned one of my tuning machines and threw my bass out of tune!!" The guitarist asks "Well, why don't you just retune it?" "He won't tell me which one!!!!"
What's the difference between a mutual fund and a bass player? The mutual fund will eventually mature and earn money.
A little boy sees a live band, and is mesmerized by the feeling of the lows coming from the bass player. It's all he talks about for days, until he tells his parents "I want to grow up and become a bass player!!!!" His father says "Son, you'll have to choose one, you can't do both."
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A man decides to go on a vacation on a remote Pacific island. When he steps off the plane, it is amazing: Cool, light ocean breeze, palms gently swaying in the wind, white sandy beaches, drums off in the distance. He goes to his hotel, checks in, starts having the time of his life. When he turns in on the first night, he can still hear drums off in the distance. They were charming at first, but now it's little annoying, and he has a hard time going to sleep. The next morning, he goes to concierge and asks about the drums. The concierge replies in broken English, "Drums no stop. Very bad if stop."
So the man goes about his day in paradise and has a great time, but the drums never stop. He tries to ignore them, but they interfere with his sleep the second night. The next morning, fuzzy-headed from too many island drinks and too little sleep, again asks the concierge if something can be done about the drums. He gets the same reply: "Drums no stop! Bad if do!" The rest of the day is not fun. Now the drums are driving him crazy. He's getting no sleep, and is quite irritable. The next day he is ready leave. He packs his bags and goes up to the front desk to check out. The first the man finds the concierge to give the concierge a piece of his mind. Suddenly, the drums stop. He says to the concierge: "They finally stopped! Thank god, I can get some sleep. I was about the leave, but I think I'll stick around."
But the concierge is panicked. "No! Run now! Bad, very bad!" "But why is it so bad?" Calling back over his shoulder, the concierge yells, "Now come Bass solo! "
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What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre!
cotten
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The other day I asked a lion what he was doing in my wardrobe, he said "Narnia business"
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EXERCISE WISDOM—
Begin by making sure you have sturdy, comfortable shoes and socks that will both support and cushion the foot. Stand on a flat surface, preferably one that gives slightly with impact, making sure you have ample clearance on all sides.
1. With a 5 lb. potato bag in each hand, slowly raise both arms straight out from your sides until they are directly level with your shoulders. Hold them there as long as you can. A worthy goal to begin with is 60 seconds, but do not feel bad if you cannot reach that level at first. Simply hold it as long as you can, then relax for three minutes before trying again. Shaking the arms vigorously can improve circulation and speed recovery time.
2. Within a week, many people will have been able to hold 5 lb. potato bags in this manner for at least 60 seconds. (If this does not yet apply to you, repeat the step above until it does.) When you reach the 60 second mark, repeat this process, but this time hold 10 lb. potato bags.
3. Each day, you will find that you can lift this weight a little easier, and hold it a little longer. This is an encouraging sign you are making good progress. Keep it up!
4. Before you know it, you will be able to move up to a 50 lb. potato bag, and eventually even to 100!
5. When you have increased your strength and stamina enough to hold a 100 lb. potato bag straight out by your sides for a full 60 seconds, try adding a potato in each of them. It will be hard at first…
HARD WORDS—I once swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had!
PHYSICIANS STRIKE—Once a large group of doctors went on strike. It didn’t last long. No one could read what they wrote on their protest signs.
KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE—Hit the Snooze button!
DON’T YOU JUST HATE IT? - When someone rings your doorbell and you have to get very quiet and pretend you’re not home?
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What did Daddy buffalo say to his son as he went off to school . . . . Bye-son . . .
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All that was left when the cheese factory blew up was debris . . . (de-brie) . . Oh dear!
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What's the definition of perfect pitch on a banjo?
When you can toss it into the toilet without touching the sides.
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Three women die in a car crash and are waiting at the pearly gates. St Peter opens the door and lets them in. He says, the rules are "you can stay as long as you need. But don't step on any ducks, if you do, sanctions will be issued."
The three women look at each other and ask if that's all, St. Pete says, yep.
They go on in and there are ducks every where. After about 2 hrs., one of them step on a duck and a loud quack ensues. The 3 ladies look around and see St. Pete coming their way with the ugliest man they have ever seen. St. Pete tells the one that stepped on the duck, your penalty is being chained to this man for the rest of eternity. She just gasps.
Her friends say that they are not going to do the same thing, but about 2 weeks later the second one stepped on a duck and the same penalty.
Three months later the third one is very carefully stepping around some ducks when she sees St Pete coming with the best looking man she has seen up there. He approaches her and tells her she will be chained to him for the rest of eternity. She asks what has she done to deserve this good fortune? The man says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a darn duck."
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Three women die in a car crash and are waiting at the pearly gates. St Peter opens the door and lets them in. He says, the rules are "you can stay as long as you need. But don't step on any ducks, if you do, sanctions will be issued."
The three women look at each other and ask if that's all, St. Pete says, yep.
They go on in and there are ducks every where. After about 2 hrs., one of them step on a duck and a loud quack ensues. The 3 ladies look around and see St. Pete coming their way with the ugliest man they have ever seen. St. Pete tells the one that stepped on the duck, your penalty is being chained to this man for the rest of eternity. She just gasps.
Her friends say that they are not going to do the same thing, but about 2 weeks later the second one stepped on a duck and the same penalty.
Three months later the third one is very carefully stepping around some ducks when she sees St Pete coming with the best looking man she has seen up there. He approaches her and tells her she will be chained to him for the rest of eternity. She asks what has she done to deserve this good fortune? The man says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a darn duck."
LOL ;D
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene.
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.
What do you call a man floating in the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a man lying on a grill? Frank.
What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog Food.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter; he can't come anyway.