Author Topic: Anyone have any good jokes to share?  (Read 13204 times)

cotten

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #75 on: November 10, 2017, 12:17:00 AM »
EXERCISE WISDOM—
Begin by making sure you have sturdy, comfortable shoes and socks that will both support and cushion the foot. Stand on a flat surface, preferably one that gives slightly with impact, making sure you have ample clearance on all sides.
1. With a 5 lb. potato bag in each hand, slowly raise both arms straight out from your sides until they are directly level with your shoulders. Hold them there as long as you can. A worthy goal to begin with is 60 seconds, but do not feel bad if you cannot reach that level at first. Simply hold it as long as you can, then relax for three minutes before trying again. Shaking the arms vigorously can improve circulation and speed recovery time.
2. Within a week, many people will have been able to hold 5 lb. potato bags in this manner for at least 60 seconds. (If this does not yet apply to you, repeat the step above until it does.) When you reach the 60 second mark, repeat this process, but this time hold 10 lb. potato bags.
3. Each day, you will find that you can lift this weight a little easier, and hold it a little longer. This is an encouraging sign you are making good progress. Keep it up!
4. Before you know it, you will be able to move up to a 50 lb. potato bag, and eventually even to 100!
5. When you have increased your strength and stamina enough to hold a 100 lb. potato bag straight out by your sides for a full 60 seconds, try adding a potato in each of them. It will be hard at first…

HARD WORDS—I once swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had!

PHYSICIANS STRIKE—Once a large group of doctors went on strike. It didn’t last long. No one could read what they wrote on their protest signs.

KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE—Hit the Snooze button!

DON’T YOU JUST HATE IT? - When someone rings your doorbell and you have to get very quiet and pretend you’re not home?
Soli Deo Gloria

Grum

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #76 on: January 03, 2018, 03:52:47 PM »
What did Daddy buffalo say to his son as he went off to school . . . . Bye-son . . .

Grum

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #77 on: January 03, 2018, 03:54:17 PM »
All that was left when the cheese factory blew up was debris . . . (de-brie) . . Oh dear!
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 03:58:00 PM by Grum »

tink

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #78 on: February 16, 2018, 06:34:12 AM »
What's the definition of perfect pitch on a banjo?

When you can toss it into the toilet without touching the sides.

fray

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #79 on: March 09, 2018, 03:31:33 PM »
Three women die in a car crash and are waiting at the pearly gates.  St Peter opens the door and lets them in.  He says, the rules are "you can stay as long as you need.  But don't step on any ducks, if you do, sanctions will be issued."

The three women look at each other and ask if that's all, St. Pete says, yep.

They go on in and there are ducks every where.  After about 2 hrs., one of them step on a duck and a loud quack ensues.  The 3 ladies look around and see St. Pete coming their way with the ugliest man they have ever seen.  St. Pete tells the one that stepped on the duck, your penalty is being chained to this man for the rest of eternity.  She just gasps.

Her friends say that they are not going to do the same thing, but about 2 weeks later the second one stepped on a duck and the same penalty.

Three months later the third one is very carefully stepping around some ducks when she sees St Pete coming with the best looking man she has seen up there.  He approaches her and tells her she will be chained to him for the rest of eternity.  She asks what has she done to deserve this good fortune?  The man says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a darn duck."

TaylorGirl

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #80 on: March 09, 2018, 06:26:24 PM »
Three women die in a car crash and are waiting at the pearly gates.  St Peter opens the door and lets them in.  He says, the rules are "you can stay as long as you need.  But don't step on any ducks, if you do, sanctions will be issued."

The three women look at each other and ask if that's all, St. Pete says, yep.

They go on in and there are ducks every where.  After about 2 hrs., one of them step on a duck and a loud quack ensues.  The 3 ladies look around and see St. Pete coming their way with the ugliest man they have ever seen.  St. Pete tells the one that stepped on the duck, your penalty is being chained to this man for the rest of eternity.  She just gasps.

Her friends say that they are not going to do the same thing, but about 2 weeks later the second one stepped on a duck and the same penalty.

Three months later the third one is very carefully stepping around some ducks when she sees St Pete coming with the best looking man she has seen up there.  He approaches her and tells her she will be chained to him for the rest of eternity.  She asks what has she done to deserve this good fortune?  The man says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a darn duck."
LOL  ;D
Susie
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Mark Stone

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Re: Anyone have any good jokes to share?
« Reply #81 on: March 10, 2018, 01:38:33 AM »
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene.

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? Irene.

What do you call a man floating in the ocean? Bob.

What do you call a man lying on a grill? Frank.

What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog Food.

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter; he can't come anyway.
2015 Taylor 110e (ES2)
1977 Kazuo Yairi Conquistador (Classical)
https://litledog.blogspot.com/p/introduction_26.html