Anyone have any good jokes to share?

[NavyChap]

Recently at a wedding reception the Best Man made his toast to the bride and groom, and then asked "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

[Jersey tuning]

The Octogenarian Mel Brooks wareplied.recently if he wore boxers or briefs.

"Depends", he replied.

[mgap]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Have you heard of the new diet for guitar players?  It's called the Chet Atkins Diet.  All you do is pick at you food.

Did you hear Willie Nelson got hit by a car?  He was playing on the road again.

A bunch of bass players walk into a bar.  The orchestra is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to go out and have a fews beers.  They tie a string to the conductor's score, so that when he turns the page, it will tug on the string, and the bass players will know to come back for the end of the symphony. 
So the performance goes on, and eventually, the conductor looks up and realizes he's in big trouble:  It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!

 

[TaylorGirl]

A bunch of bass players walk into a bar.  The orchestra is playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, and there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to go out and have a fews beers.  They tie a string to the conductor's score, so that when he turns the page, it will tug on the string, and the bass players will know to come back for the end of the symphony. 
So the performance goes on, and eventually, the conductor looks up and realizes he's in big trouble:  It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!

 

LOVE that!

[mgap]

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

[Strumming Fool]

What's  a paradigm? Twenty cents.

[timfitz63]

Geez!  This thread needs a rim shot every time you click on it...!

Does that count as a joke...?

[Strumming Fool]

Two wise hunters came to a fork in the road. A sign read "Bear Left" so they went home.

[mgap]

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?  It kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

[Craig]

How do you know when the drum riser is level?
He drools from both sides of his mouth at the same time!

[mgap]

St. Peter was checking IDs.  He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" 
The man says " I was a doctor."
St. Peter Says "Ok, go right through those pearly gates.  Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher." 
"Go right through those pearly gates.  Next! And what did you do on earth?"
" I was a musician"
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

[Strumming Fool]

I think it's okay to tell this joke since I'm Italian:

Three men were on a construction job in NYC. They sat down for lunch around a manhole. The German opens his lunch box and exclaims,"Bratwurst - every day it's  the same thing. If I get Bratwurst tomorrow I'll throw it down this manhole."
The Irishman opens his lunchbox and whines, "Corned beef - every day it's the same thing. If I get Corned beef tomorrow I'll throw it down this manhole."
The Italian opens his lunchbox and says "Eggplant parmesan- every day it's the same thing.  If I get Eggplant parmesan tomorrow I'm gonna throw it down this manhole."
The next day at lunch time, the German discovers Bratwurst in his lunchbox and throws it down the manhole. The Irishman discovers Corned beef in his lunchbox and does the same. The Italian simply throws his lunchbox down the manhole. The other two gents exclaim, "Hey you didn't even look to see what you got."
The Italian replied, "That's okay- I make my own lunch every day."

[beachbum205]

An old pastor was going through a closet that he and his wife shared in their bedroom when he made an unusual discovery- an old shoebox that contained three eggs and a huge stack of one dollar bills. He asked his wife to explain, and after some hesitation she said, "Well every time you preached a lousy sermon over the years, I put an egg in the shoebox." He thought to himself, "Hey, that's not too bad, three bad sermons in all those years!"

He then said, "Well, what's with all those one dollar bills?" She said, "Uh well, every time I collected a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar!"

[NavyChap]

7 year old asks Dad: Do Trees poop?
Dad: Of course they do.
7 year old: Really?
Dad: Why do you think they call them "Number 2" pencils?

[Strumming Fool]

Do you know why people like refried beans? Because it gives them their second wind.